Well, I never felt more like singing the blues….
I’m in a depression again. It was great seeing Geoff…all 3 minutes I saw of him but, we hugged and he sweated on me so, I suppose I should be satisfied. The weather is simply not cooperating with anyone this year; it is overly wet and cold everywhere. By this time in Florida we wouldn’t even consider blue jeans and tennis shoes but, it’s just not warming up and the skies are constantly cloudy with no sun whatsoever. I am attempting to do two fundraisers; one for Suncoast Animal League and another for Moffitt Cancer Center but, I keep running into problems in even getting the printer to work for me so, feeling tears welling up inside of me, I just gave up. And, I am having a hard time understanding why people either hate me or they simply want to use me. I really do have some suicidal ideations going on right now but, God forbid I mention them to anyone. I’d end up in Adler again and that place is almost worse than jail. No, it is a jail…all your human rights are stripped away and your life is not within your own control when they put you there. I like to be able to have a cigarette when I want one and I like to be able to fucking burn myself with a cigarette when I want to. Most people like cutting. I am not much of cutter, as I am a burner or a stabber. I like to stab myself with things but, not cut. When the pain gets too much inside, the physical pain of the burn or stab substitutes for a while the inner pain that takes over and overwhelms me inside. So many describe it as drowning and, it is a lot like drowning. I guess that’s why I have such a fear of drowning. I have, basically, been drowning all my life. Drowning in the very air that I breathe into my lungs. Drowning in the impossibility of gaining and receiving the things I want most but have been totally neglected of having. Drowning in need of a love that confounds my mind and soul to the point that I don’t understand myself, let alone anyone else’s ideas or opinions on it. How can a person love you at one point and then, suddenly, stop? I don’t understand that at all. Once I love someone, I will always love them. It doesn’t just stop. If it just stops, it never really was then, was it? So, you…you, the person that tells me that you love me….you better damn well mean it. Because, once I start, I do not stop. I will not stop. I couldn’t make myself stop if I wanted to because….I have tried…God knows, I have tried. I would give anything to be free from the pain it causes me, too. I still love you….I do….